Something is not right with me

Is insanely outraged at how rude people can be. Not just regular strangers either...but people that you could trust and that you were "friends with".

What does that word even mean nowadays anyway? To me a friend is something you have things in common with and that you also have a connection with...you can't have one without the other; someone who you can trust; someone who is loyal to you - someone who would rather defend you and become an outcast themselves than back-stab you; someone who genuinely cares about you, your interests, your feelings.

Considering all those things...I think that the number of true, by-my-definition friends that I've had in my life I can count on one hand. And I don't even need to use all my fingers!

Oh and a special quality that a friend needs to have for me, besides all of the above...? *I* need to not get bored/annoyed/have strangling feelings for them.

Now, this is not to say I haven't had a lot of people who are friendly, concerned (genuinely or not...), or nice to me. I have. But "friends"? They are extremely few and far between. For the most part it's been the loyalty/back-stabbing OR the me-getting-ridiculously-annoyed-of-them obstacles. For example, "N" will come back into my life every few months (why I allow this I doubt I'll ever know), and say how "he's" "missed me" and that "I'm important" and that "he" "likes how we can talk to each other". Now, let me let you in on a very important fact: "He" only does this when his (pardon my language) skank-ho-bag girlfriend and "he" are not getting along or on one of their many many break-ups. During these times "he" will never fail to A) get me to talk to "him" again B)get me to be friends with "him" again C)profess his love/like (depending on how long they've been apart for eg 1 day...1 week? Yeah, it never lasts long...) for me and how he wants to be with me.

And even though this is a pattern that hasn't stopped in oh...about 3 1/2 years, I never stop falling for the ruse (excepting the undying love bit). And that just makes me disappointed in myself! How could I, the person who has willingly and voluntarily cut people out of her life permanently so many times not do it to this person? (Quick segway, but not really because these are examples: Two "best friends" in junior high said "I don't like you anymore" so I stopped talking to them the next day and forever since. A "best friend", who I became friends with because of those two other girls, was the first and only person to know that I liked a boy-best-friend for the past year. She moves away. She didn't know him. They meet, because I introduce them so she can finally know who I'm talking about all the time...and begin dating a month later, after she claims "she didn't know I liked him at all" ---anyway....back to the topic at fingers) Because. I'm best friends with "his" sister. Ugh. How my life attracts drama like moths to a flickering light bulb on my porch.


I just wish that I could one day have friends (more than the one...and that one...the sister of the douchebag? even her...after 3 1/2 years, I'm on the outs with...but this is the only other time I've actually felt hurt about losing a friend) that are genuinely loyal, and care about me. Is that too much to ask? Perhaps...maybe I'm just being kooky....but a girl can dream, right?

Oh. Whatevs, I dont need your permission! I will dream anyway...bitches.

No. Kidding. I didn't mean that. <3